Saturday, November 21, 2015

The Great Tofurky Hunt-revised from the 2007 post

Thanksgiving was just a few days away, and it was time to do the annual hunt.I would be going deep this year into uncharted regions to put the annual feast on the table this year.It was a dangerous hunt, but I carefully prepared all of my gear for the adventure. The danger of the hunt was a large part of the tradition, and although many a hunter had met with tragedy, I scorned the danger, for I am a man that would have made the pioneers of this great nation proud. This country was built on those who dared to defy the odds, and against all barriers, guided the building of what we are today.

Yes, it was uncharted hunting for me, for I had never gone Tofurky hunting before, but being the careful planner that I am, I had read everything that I could find about this wild beast of prey. I googled, and googled and googled to make sure that I had digested every bit of input that I could lay my hands and eyes on, for I wanted to be ready. Nervous? You bet your sweet candy yams that I was. But afraid?You can bet your pumpkin pie that I would never show it. Fear has no place in the hunt, and if you show fear, the great Tofurky would know it, and they would devour you right in the middle of your cranberry sauce.

So, just three days before Thanksgiving, I decided that this was the day, and no matter what happened to me, I would know that I was a man of the woods, a man who had faced the odds, a man who dared fate to make me mincemeat pie. I would not be made into a pile of mashed potatoes, nor I would I be reduced to a quivering bowl of jello salad. No, I would get my Tofurky, or I would die trying.Either I would bag the great beast  or the beast would devour me.

The time had come, and I got in my car. I was dressed in my best hunting clothes, and I had my weapon oiled, loaded, and ready for the hunt. Now, as everyone knows the Silver Valley has many great game animals. We have elk, deer, moose, bears, wolves, and more, but there are NO Tofurkys in the Silver Valley mountains.

So, my wife and I left the friendly confines of home, not knowing what awaited us in the big city of CDA, but we are ready, excited, and determined that we would be victorious, and would safely get back home with our prize. We had a great trip, as we always do, laughing, and bantering back and forth as the car made it's way over the mountain to Tofurky country. And suddenly, we were there. Now, I have to admit, we began to feel a little fear. The cold sweat began to trickle down my back as we neared the sacred hunting grounds. We would have to be guided by fate because we knew not which spot in the sacred hunting grounds would be the place where we would spot our first Tofurky.

Up Hwy 95 we went. Ah, yes, the most dangerous highway, but if we were going to have any luck in the hunt, this was the way that would offer the most likely chance of getting our game. Our senses were fully alert as we made our way past the great Appleway intersection. We were getting deeper and deeper into the jungles. To our right, we saw what we were looking for. Super One. If there were any Tofurky in CDA, this would be as good a place as any to find them.

We hugged each other as we got out of the car, knowing that we were about to be entering the most dangerous zone known to man. Quickly, we entered the sacred hunting grounds of Super One, and began to scout the terrain. Hm, the area was full of hunters that day. There must have been hundreds and hundreds of them. We would not only be lucky to find our prey, we would be lucky if they were not all gone by the time that we did find them.

Slowly, we began to make our way around the grounds. We went past the part where we saw many hunters who had already bagged their prey for the day. Their hunting carts were full of a funny looking bird they were calling a turkey. Oh well, each to their own I guess. Anyone could hunt and get a turkey, but few in North Idaho could bag a Tofurky. I vowed that we would not leave the sacred hunting grounds without one.

I could sense that we were near one, and the hair on my head began to stand on end. Careful, careful, I told myself. We must not let them know we were there. And then, I spotted the frozen tundra ahead, and I knew we were close, The hunt was on, and I threw all caution to the wind as I drew my weapon, and guided my hunting cart with neck breaking speed towards the frozen area. "Careful", my lovely wife shouted out, but the blood was racing through my veins, and my ears were pounding, my heart beating faster than a light, but I now no longer cared. And all of a sudden, there it was, right in front of me. The GREAT TOFURKY, the greatest beast to ever roam the earth. My moves were swift and precise, and the poor beast never knew what hit him. In one full swoosh, I had bagged it and had it in my hunting cart. I rushed towards the front of the hunting grounds with my treasure, drew out my weapon,  a gold Master Card, and the kill was complete. My wife and I danced the dance of thanks that night.

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